Face your fears. All of the cool kids are doing it...

It's funny how the human mind works sometimes.

It allows you to take one situation, and completely downplay the importance of all of the other absolutely amazing things going on in you life, and keep the one single flawed circumstance stand as being the 'marker' of how you happen to be at a single moment in time.

Time heals all wounds, but it won't let me walk away from him. Any other man I could walk away from and never give it a second thought. Once the emotional 'book' is closed on them, it's shut forever. No matter the begging and pleaded that could occur in the future - you burn me, and I'll love you like a friend, but never more. I have a few ex's that continually try to re-enter the thick wall around my heart, only to smash their heads hard enough to see stars. The visual I just had on that made me laugh - what can beat an image of an ex running face first into a cold, grey, cinder block wall...

There is a point. I think.

Last night he was over here. It wasn't like last time, he didn't jet in and jet out. Instead, it felt cozy with him in my apartment again. He played with little ol' scooter, the little bugger gave him a run. But alas, I think Dennis won this round. There wasn't any kind of deep meaningful conversation, but I didn't expect there to be. I actually figured that he'd stop by, drop the stuff off, make the 'nice' conversation and get back to him sanctuary (read: his AC'd apartment and computer). But this time, he grabbed the remote, put on a movie, and plunked down on the sofa next to me. I got as comforatable as I could with him sitting just inches away from me. I had to do everything within my will power to not lean in for a kiss. There was definitely a tension, which isn't surprising considering the chemistry that we have. He mentioned that he hasn't been sleeping well, which is funny because he always used to say that he slept better with me around.

What's keeping us apart again?

So eventually the swealtering mess that is my apartment, thanks to the broken AC, got to him in his jeans and long sleeve button up shirt. And around 11 he had to 'get home'. Who really knows if it was really the heat that pushed him out, or if he was feeling the same 'trying to hold back' feeling that I was.....I'll probably never know.

The only thing that I know is, we're good together. We belong toghter, and I have a 'feeling' about this guy. There's a future, it may not be immeditate, but I just KNOW.

Then maybe I'll be able to see how perfect every other aspect of my life is.

Of course, I haven't heard from him today either. I'm sure he'll disappear off the radar for a few days, then *poof* magically appear out of nowhere.

I'll never understand men.

Creepy Old Men, IKEA and video games....

It's funny how life comes at you sometimes when you're in a steady "deep introspective" mode. Being in this type of mode is strange enough due to the fact that everything currently going on in your life has a surreal under tone to it. I feel like I'm watching a very real sitcom, but I'm the starring character - I'm leaning towards it being along the lines of "I Love Lucy", but with less random laughter echoing from the rafters in the background. The strangest things seem to keep happening, and I keep reacting the only way that I know how - being thoroughly entertaining to others.

This weekend was one of those surreal weekends.

Friday night was a regular night, I finished up here at my company and headed out to the restaurant for my usual Friday night...and as usual preferring to just go home. I got there around 6, like usual, and my entire section was full. It was full until almost 8pm. This was not so much fun. I just wanted to get out of there so that I could go home and study. Due to the ways that sidework and typical restaurant functions work, I was still stuck there until almost midnight - so much for studying. $40 in tips later (how pathetic), I wandering into my 85 degree apartment and collapse into my bed, the kitty does her nightly occurrence of finding a comfy spot on my head to sleep...and I'm out cold.

Fast forward through waking up at 7am and cramming for several hours...I'm at campus taking my exam. Somehow I know all the hours, even though the cramming that I did in the few hours before was pretty much the only studying that I did for that exam. The good mood strengthens. So I get home and lounge for a bit. I tried calling my family to see how they were doing and if any of them wanted to do something. Now mind you, they're usually nagging me about the fact that I'm always busy, and somehow, they're all too busy to hang out. So I got an urge that I needed to go to IKEA. A quick 35 minute drive and 'attempted' singing session with my buddy Jason Mraz with my window down and my hair flowing in the cool breeze..I get to that beautiful blue and yellow building. I expected to just pick up from decor for my fairly 'blah' apartment, but I decided to try and search for some of the "Beech" colored furniture that I've already invested hundreds of dollars into that they decided to discontinue. This is a color of furniture that I called the HQ of IKEA to try to hunt down remaining stock and offered to pay as much as needed - nothing. It's a good thing that I wandered out to IKEA that day, because as luck would have it, they had a ton of the furniture being 'moved out' and on a great clearance sale. So I now have a complete bedroom set. I found some other jewels for my place, more stuff to make it feel a little bit more like 'home'. Came home and decided that I should continue with my great day and go grab a beer at the restaurant.

I get there and a lot of the regulars are there, but it's still fairly quiet for a Saturday night. Duane and some of his drunken buddies are there, and after last call is called, we decide to head out to an old spot that we all used to drink and play darts - good ol' Shooters. A few beers and darts victories later, my boss from the restaurant shows up. At first I didn't even notice he was there, then he slides up to me and puts him arm around me and pulls me off to the side. A person with the mind set like me assumes the best of all people, so I go along with his strange chit chat. At first it's seemingly innocent questions like 'are you married' and 'are you dating anyone'...so I try to get some distance from him while answering...Unfortunately answering honestly. Then he chimes in that he's been looking for a girlfriend and thinks that I'm absolutely gorgeous and have and amazing personality. [insert blank stare here]

This is a VERY married man, that happens to run the restaurant WITH his wife, and even his young kids help out at the end of the night. This is a man that's at least 15-20 years older than me. This is a man that is supposed to be my boss - aka. Professional. This is a sober man without an excuse for making a move on me.

This is me getting very uncomfortable and awkward.

So I play it off and run off to take my turn at darts, hoping that it's just a dropped topic. At this point, I've stopped drinking because I have to get home and I know my threshold. So of course the boss runs up and sees that my glass is empty and tries to find out what I'm drinking. I mention that I'm done drinking, but I usually go for dark beer..then get back to joking about with my buddies. I turn around and the man is standing there with an ice cold Guinness for me. Creepy has nothing on him. I took the beer and handed it to Duane, I wasn't taking it.

So my buddies and I are totally up our tab and figuring out whom owes what, I'm the most sober, so I handle the numbers end of it and flag down the bartender to pay. Out of nowhere, the boss comes up behind me slightly flustered because he wanted to cover the tab and starts scrambling to find his wallet...so I hurry up and get the cash to the bar, and push the fact that he has a nice tip in there so that he grabs it a bit quicker...

So my boss sits down next to me and starts full out pouting because "I must not like him", he keeps asking and asking why...eww. I mumble something to sound like I have something to do on the other side of the bar, and quickly escape the awkward situation.

Never a dull moment in my life, what can I say.

So the next day I'm supposed to work at the restaurant...I weigh in my head the drama factors that would occur due to the fact that his wife is finding out about this little situation. So I decide to call in and quit. I'll talk to the old owners and explain why...Although, apparently everyone in the place already knows why I quit. Gossip is a funny thing.

So I used my first Sunday off in weeks to pick up my RF Modulator and optimize my Home Entertainment center, decorate my apartment a bit more, and *gasp* relax. Monday, I used my lunch hour to scour the walls at my local Electronics Boutique. Several games later, my apartment feels more like home, and I finally feel balanced with having just one job to worry about.

It's definitely stranger than an episode of "I Love Lucy...I just don't happen to have an attractive man to bellow out..."Emillllly, I'm hooooo-oomme".

Yet.

City gal.

So I've decided that when my lease is up in February, I'm going to move into the City.

I've wanted to for years, and slowly but surely I've gotten a little closer (geographically) to it each year. Right now between my job, future schooling and my 'high traffic' areas...I'm in the perfect position for living in the city to be my perfect location. It would also be nice to be able to go out for the day and be able to actually *gasp* walk to something entertaining. Right now, I'd have to drive the 2o minutes to Bmore, or the 20 minutes to Annapolis. I'm sick of that, I want to be able to walk a block to a corner store then back home and lounge with my cat.

I also feel that it's a better fit to my personality, I love the hustle and bustle to city life - I get neurotic and weird when I'm caged up in my quiet apartment. I've always felt more comforatable when I'm just surrounded by tons of people - I feel a little less alone in this world. Plus, Baltimore has such a little charm to it, while it seems like a dirty dirty mess to the visitor's eye, it really does have some of the most quirky daily life.

I grew up going to my aunt and uncles place on quite the regular basis, so I know the regular in's and outs of city life. I understand the pro's and the con's. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but to me, the positive definately outweights the negative.

So the decision has been made. Come February, I'm city bound.

Who knows, maybe I'll take my parents advise and seek out a townhouse to own and sublet the extra room(s) to help cover the mortgage. But I think I may want to rent first to get a feel for it.

Even the VCR.

On my way home from work last night, I stopped by a Micheal's Arts/Crafts stores and wandered about the aisles, looking for something. I didn't know what, but something in me needed to make something, something different. So as I'm passing by the large wall of canvases, I notice a stack of long rectangular 12" x 24" blank white canvases. They needed some color, and they needed to be on my walls. So I scoured the surrounding aisles and claimed some new brushes, some nice shades of sage and 'sandstone' paint, and the other little essentials. I didn't know exactly what I'd paint, and I've never painted on canvas before...but it just seemed right. My new thing by the way is just 'doing' when something seems right, rather than thinking about it and pulling apart every aspect of it and in the end doing nothing.

So it's nearing 9pm, and it's D-Day. What's at 9pm?

Dennis gets out of work. I had tried emailing his roommate to find out if he'd be home for me to drop off some of Dennis's stuff, but he didn't want to be pulled into the middle of all of it. So I emailed Dennis. Something that seems to bring me nothing but pain right now, mostly because the emails back and forth make it seem like we're still together. The same flirty emails, the same conversations about nothing that last forever, the same heartache every time.

So I start to feel a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomache, maybe seeing me will make him realize how much he misses me. Maybe seeing me will make him realize that he made the right decision. Either way, it had to end last night. The foolish games of me pretending that I can be just friends with him, and that everything is okay...it had to end. I don't know what's going through his head, especially since he seems to jump around the topic anytime that 'us' comes up - for some reason, it always ends up with him saying, "you need to focus on you". Since when did this all become about me? He's the one that had the issues with not being able to work around his damn job at Comcast. He's the one that decided to end it without talking to me about his feelings first.

So it's 9:05, I'm covered in splotches of paint, and my coffee table has been conquered by the drop sheets, somewhat damp canvases covered in a light finish of sand, bottles of paint and my kitten trying to bat at the strings holding everything down.

My heart stops when the knocking sounds eminate from the solid apartment door. It's do or die.

So I let him in, he's wearing the shirt that he had on the first time we met. There's no direct eye contact, I'm afraid to look into his eyes because he may see right through me and know what I'm thinking. He keeps his eyes darting around to whatever new things have found a new home in my tiny little 4th floor world. He tries to break the slight tension with his off beat humor, but tossing me the pizza ad that was sitting on my mat. He wanderes in, asks where the new kitten is, so we look in my room. Scooter was face first in his food bowl like usual, sees that we're admiring his tiny little figure and trots right on over to Dennis's leg.

I'm covered in paint, so I head into the kitchen to wipe off the excess, planning to sit down with him to talk about how I feel.

He asks where the stuff he's supposed to be picking up is at. So I hand him his old VCR and an old Game Cube game, there's some idle chit chat, then he heads right for the doors. A loud voice in my head yelled at me to make him turn around, but the words couldn't get past my lips. And with that, he said that his roommate was being needy about needing dinner, and left.

It felt like a stranger just left.

I miss him, I miss what we had. But I can't continue to keep a false hope that he's coming back. If anything, his cold appearance at my apartment told me that right now, if ever, is just not our time. So I put my thoughts out there with my key board and instant messenger.

It's been left at that. It's going to stay left at that. He'll never miss me unless I'm actually gone, so I need to let him feel what life is like without me in it. One day, he'll roll over and wonder "why did I let her get away?", and I can't promise that I'll be around to comfort him with kisses.
The blank canvas that I've been feeling like, has just gotten some color. Right now it's just a primer coat, but I have a feeling that a masterpiece is on it's way.

Bitch, it's not a 4-letter word.

Fun Fact of the Day:
Bitches are IN FACT a man made creation. On occassion, one comes through the works that is all natural, but for the most part - they are created.


Everyone know's the saying, "Nice guys finish last". What I want to know is...what happens with nice girls? Do they even finish at all? Do they make it through the 'race' as the nice gals that they originally started as? I think that the most likely of the two is the latter.

It's strange how human emotions seem to cling to the things that are the worst for us. I've been told by countless men that all they want is a 'nice girl'. Yet, the girl that I see with the most worthwhile men seem to be some of the biggest cunts known to men. Needy girl, jealous girls, manipulative girls, gold diggers, cheaters...you name it, they get the man. Why is this? Is this due to the same perpetual force that causes girls to go for the 'bad boys'? Is it the mystery involved, or is it the constant games of cat and mouse? I have my theories, it's almost easy to assume how a man would react to someone that acts like they don't give a flying rats ass if they're around or not.

It's tempting to create an almost lab setting to see why the nastiest of women have all the luck in this game called love. I could easily have a few nights out with friends where I'm wearing the 'bitch hat', then have a few nights out where I'm myself. I wonder how many numbers each persona would collect throughout the nights. Keeping it fairly similar to the 'Do blondes REALLY have more fun?' tests where one would slightly change thier hair color to have a controlled view on how men react to certain looks and behavior.

Men are fun for something at least.

I know it probably sounds like a horrid idea to use men for a silly experiment like this, but like I said before - a bitch isn't born, she's created. After years of being told 'you have so much to offer, I don't deserve you', and the like...then seeing them pounce on the next catty piece of ass to pass him by...I'd say it's time to have a little fun on the other side of the fence. Why not give it a shot. They worst I have to lose is the number of a man that I don't even know.

How hard can it be to play 'bitch' for a few nights. It's just a matter of reversing my natural urges to accomodate and stay polite. If a guy offers to buy a drink, take it, then walk off. Usually I would either not accept, or at least hang around for a coversation or two, then politely excuse myself. If they are masochistic enough to keep attempting to get to know me...be about as distant as humanly possible.

I'll have to tweek the details a tad, but I think this could be interesting.

So what drove me to this point? Love. I find myself waking up every morning, reaching for someone that's not there. I don't know why it's my natural instinct to keep doing that, but he's just engrained in my mind...like a virus. I can't help but keep thinking that if I had been a bit more 'challenging' or hard to get...he'd still be here. It took him ages to get over his ex-fiance, yet she was about as horrible as a person can be by the stories that him and his roommate had mentioned when we were first dating. By all concepts, we were perfect for each other. Same interests, same personalities, same everything - we're kindred souls. Yet it failed. The spark was there, but circumstance tore us apart. Maybe if I hadn't been so accomdating, he would have had that extra urge to make it work. He's not coming back, in my head I've accepted this, but my heart seems to not want to give up.

So the easiest solution is to test the theory, so that I can finally prove to myself why I'm alone, still. Call my psychotic, but I just want a reason.

On Birthcontrol....

So I finally got myself out to my doctor for a check up...

We got into a long conversation about my 'mood swings' that I've been having for a while now. At first, I figured that it was just me getting older, my body changing with hormones.

A few years ago, you never would have caught me crying during a cheesy movie, and you wouldn't have seen me screaming one second, then crying the next. I've always been one of those people that show very little emotion. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm cold and emotionless, but I feel like emotions are a fairly private thing and not meant to be shared with the world. But at some point in the recent years, that whole mindset was shaken away like an expertly crafted design is shaken from an etch-a-sketch - NOTHING of it remained.

So I was speaking to my new doctor about this 'change', so of course the questions began...how long has it been happening, any major changes in life style, yadda yadda yadda. Then it comes up about my birthcontrol practices. I've been on birthcontrol for QUITE a while now, I almost can't even remember when I actually did start taking the pill. Not to say that I was having sex and needing the birthcontrol, but there are other hormonal benefits that come from BC. So we pin point that I was on Ortho-Tri-Cyclene from about the time that I was 15, to about 20. 5 years of steady usage...5 emotionally stable years (for the most part).

What was the major change up? The stupid patch. Wow! A BC measure that I only have to mess with once a month!?!? Sign me up.

This is where it all goes down hill.

I remember that I changed up to the BC Patch around the end of my relationship of, we'll call him "Man - O", there wasn't much of a sex life, but I wanted a BC measure that I didn't have to worry about. So I changed it up, I didn't gain weight, and I didn't die - so I was happy with the change. The term 'emotionally retarded breakup' has nothing on our break up. Typically, I have a fairly good stability in terms of break ups, especially when I'm just not really into the guy.

Enter "Man P", begin emotional rollercoaster, unfortunately 5'2" is tall enough for this ride. Constant doubts of my attractiveness, constantly doubting the reasons that this guy was dating me, constantly feeling like I was worthless....plenty of tears. Not necessarily any 'reasons' for these tears per se, well, hormones maybe. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. Eventually the relationship with "Man P" ends, and many many tears later, I still feel lonely and depressed almost 24/7.

What the hell?

By now, I stopped using the patch. It got annoying, and without any man around, who needs birthcontrol! First mistake. So I go a few months with no form of hormonal balance whatsoever, I get used to the fact that the Lifetime channel can actually make me sob more than an alcoholic with a busted bottle of vodka.

Who are you, and what have you done with my sanity?

Fast forward through more tears and more emotional breakdowns. Pause in the Doctor's office. Rewind back to the words "mood swings". What did the doctor just say?

So apparently, there's a high chance that all of my emotional issues that have been plaguing my poor brain have most likely been brought on by a sudden change of BC, and then the lack there of? Sure, it's possibly just in my head, but hell, the fact that we could pretty much pin point it down to the exact moments of the emotional outbursts with the change ups of BC to be within each other by a few weeks....could it be?

So I picked up my nice 3 month supply. Hello stability, how I've missed you.

...and so it begins.

With my life hitting that 'clean slate' point, I felt it was perfect timing to start a new blog. This isn't a themed blog, this isn't a 'woe is me' blog, and most importantly this isn't a "I'm going to invite all of my friends to read it so that they can blow smoke up my ass about life" blog. This is me, this is what's on my mind, and this is the non-sensical rambling that exists inbetween the moments that I'm not working or sleeping. Welcome to my mind, get comfy, take a seat, please excuse the mess.